The Real Work in Divorce: how to choose yourself and think with clarity

The real work during divorce can often feel like meeting the needs of everyone around you while trying to make complex decisions about your future. This can feel wildly overwhelming. There are some interesting insights about why you can feel overwhelmed and also ways to address the sensations and emotions that you may experience because of this process.

Often when our mind is overwhelmed by a challenging situation we can become frightened. This is because our responses become informed by our brain being overwhelmed by stress hormones. This can be short lived or long lasting depending on the event. Divorce, legal proceedings, and the decisions and events around it, can often feel lengthy and uncertain. This protraction of time and unsettled state create complex feelings which can sometimes lead to a long-term feeling of being overwhelmed. What we often refer to as stress – or perhaps more realistically distress.

There are many things you can do daily to manage the feeling of being overwhelmed. Practice living one day at a time, just do today, then do tomorrow. Find a therapist you like – a safe space to talk and explore your thoughts and feelings at this time can prove invaluable. Try to prioritise your basic needs: eat, sleep, drink water, repeat. If you experience increased anxiety, try a body scan meditation – YouTube has lots. Learn and practice a breathing technique to help settle your nervous system. Spend some time outside each day. Remember to talk and keep talking even when you want to stop. Seek help as and when you need it – your GP may be a good starting point, and my website has some suggested links.

During divorce we are often required to think with clarity. This can feel very difficult if your mind is overwhelmed with the many emotions being experienced at this time. To keep asking yourself what the real work is might be a useful challenge. One way of looking at it is described in the poem ‘Our Real Work’ by Wendell Berry:

It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.

Sometimes challenge and crisis are what is needed to create change. And sometimes that change can be good. This can be hard to imagine when you are in the middle of divorce proceedings. Remember that the real work should always begin with you. Things can feel herculean when your brain is overwhelmed. If this is the case then choose one task, the one that strikes you as easiest or essential – like drinking water. Then build up slowly. The main thing is that you choose you. That you choose life. That I think is the real work.